This blog kills 99.9% of all other useless blogs

We hear it every day. A mouthwash that kills 99.9% of the germs that cause bad breath. A toilet cleaner that kills 99.9% of the crud in your disgustingly grungy toilet bowl. (Hey, I'm no Mr. Clean, but if my toilet ever looked like the ones in those commercials, I'd throw it out and get a new one, and consider hiring someone to clean my toilet, due to my apparent incapacity to do so myself.) How about those hand sanitizers that kill 99.9% of the germs we sissies can't seem to survive being exposed to anymore (unfortunately, they don't tell you that we're so busy killing off the bad germs, we're also annihilating the good ones that help us fight a lot of illness). So, the burning question is this: Why can't we make a product that's 100% effective? Dammit, we get soooooooo close, time after time! One measly tenth of a percent! C'mon, guys, can't you try just a little harder?

It's even weirder than that one idiot dentist out of every ten who doesn't agree that some chewing gum helps prevent gingivitis. Or the one out of every ten Americans who still believe that George W. Bush isn't a megalomaniac with delusions of grandeur who is oblivious to the blight his administration has cast upon most of the world. But I digress.

We all know that the "99.9%" crap comes from a bunch of lawyers who advise their clients not to say "100%" in order to avoid unnecessary lawsuits. Can any of these companies prove their 99.9% claims? Has anyone asked them to do so? Maybe we should. I'd rather hear them say, "Our product kills a boatload of bad stuff in your mouth, so just use it, or you'll have lots of bad stuff in your mouth that you don't want in there." Then, of course, there'd probably be some lawyer out there who said, "Well, just how much bad stuff exactly does it kill? Inquiring minds want to know."

Studies have shown that all of this advertising nonsense is killing 99.9% of the brain cells we could be using to choose the best product for our needs, rather than the one that has the sexiest spokesmodel or slickest ad campaign. That said, I have to admit it - I love that gecko. Well, I'm 99.9% asleep now, so I'm going to bed.

Before I go, I just have a serious recommendation. Please check out www.freehugscampaign.org - here's a guy on a mission that is 100% worthwhile.

New study reveals that there are too many new studies

Seems like every day, someone manages to score a $100,000 grant to study the freakin' obvious and enlighten the masses with such shocking findings as (and these are actual examples):
"Exercise found to reduce anxiety and depression," or "Diet of high-fat foods contributes to obesity." Duh. So, how do I get me one of these grants? I've got a plethora of topics I'd like to investigate. For instance, I'd like to investigate the correlation between a person's propensity to dump his or her filthy ashtray contents out of their car window on a public street, and the likelihood that they are a self-absorbed, inconsiderate asshole in general. Or, how about a study to determine whether making a left-hand turn at an intersection with one hand on your cell phone and the other gently caressing an Egg McMuffin as you turn the wheel with your elbow has any impact on the chances of your spilling the half-caf mocha latte nestled in your lap, as you swerve to avoid the accident you just caused by cutting off the driver making a right from the other side of the intersection while shaving and watching a movie trailer on his Blackberry? Or what about this one: The connection between navigating the demilitarized zone that has become our daily commute to the office and the urge to trade in one's Subaru for a Sherman tank?

How many times have you uttered, "Jesus H. Crikey, I'm just tryin' to get to work, here, people!" as you've dodged imbecile after jackass, brake-slammed and skidded your way through the maze of semi-comatose, over-caffeinated cogs, begrudgingly motoring toward the big wheel they play some indescribably small part in turning each day? Really? So, you mean it's just me shouting that over and over? Oh, never mind, then.

Lest we forget, the word "automobile" comes from the Latin "auto" - meaning "by itself", and "mobile" - meaning "moving." This illustrates that we have no need to pay attention while operating these multi-ton ballistic missiles, as they can pretty much drive themselves. And what a waste of energy it would be to communicate the fact that a collection of cigarette butts, chewing gum, and anything else that you don't want and is small enough to fit into your ashtray is, in fact - according to a recent study - TRASH!! -- and therefore, inappropriate for deposit on local thoroughfares. Well, I'm off to go pee in my neighbor's swimming pool. Drive defensively.

ya feel lucky, punk? Well.... do ya?

Fresh off the looney press that documents my life, here's what just happened a few minutes ago. Since we had this unusually warm day in Philly today (it hit 80 degrees), I decided it would be fun to dust off the bike and take my inaugural Spring jaunt through the neighborhood streets. The wind was in my face up one street, at my back down the next. The quadriceps burned as I strained to stay in high gear up the relatively minor grade - man, am I outta shape. Anyhow, here's where it gets interesting:

I reached down for the brand new water bottle I had just minutes earlier washed and filled with Propel (yep, it's "how Gatorade does water" -- when they're not doing water with Gatorade mix in it). I took a few gulps, and dropped the bottle back into its holder, only I misjudged where the holder was, and the bottle bounced off the bike frame onto the ground. Well, from there, it took a bounce on its end, landed on its side, and went into a backspin of some sort. As I turned the bike around, figuring the bottle would find its home smack dab under the middle of a truck (Murphy's Law), I discovered yet another variation to Murphy's Law: An object dropped in the middle of the street will come to rest directly under the middle of the nearest parked truck, UNLESS THERE IS A STORM GUTTER ANYWHERE ON THE STREET. I searched under every parked car and truck, to no avail. The gutter was grinning at me, through its metal braces. Damn, I really thought that new water bottle and I were gonna be long-time buddies, too. I'm guessing if those odds had been applied to a lottery ticket, I'd be at least a thousandaire right now.

photo credit: jalexartis via photopin cc

Don't try this at home, and some other late-night ramblings

So, I'm watching tv the other night, and I see this potato chip commercial with a disclaimer on it warning the viewers not to try the crazy stunts being performed by professionals in the commercial. Yes, some people are that incredibly stupid, and yes, corporations are that worried about being sued by those very people. Meanwhile, the tv shows aired between all the commercials, the movies we watch, and countless video games depict heinous and grotesque scenes of murder and mayhem (and yes, stunts we probably shouldn't try ourselves), but you don't see any warnings there, do ya? Nothing like, "Shooting hookers in the face and stealing cars should only be attempted by professionals. Don't try these criminal acts yourself," or maybe, "Professional sluts on a closed course. Don't try these adulterous acts at home." I dunno, I'm just saying... Wouldn't you agree that if someone's dumb enough to try and imitate everything they see on tv, they kind of deserve whatever happens to them? It's survival of the fittest, not the dimmest, after all. And while we're on the subject of commercials, does anybody remember when you paid extra money to a cable company because you wanted to watch tv and movies without annoying commercials? Now you pay 100 bucks a month for the shows, and they hit you with more commercials than the non-cable stations. How stupid are we? These guys are making money from 9 different directions, and they keep raising prices because they pretty much have a monopoly. Makes me want to find a nice, shiny, wet road and drive my car sideways on it at high speed (in slow motion).

Okay, so here's another disturbing trend I'm noticing lately. If you're a fan of 24 (and who isn't), have you noticed how anyone who does anything admirable on that show gets tortured, maimed or killed? The old "no good deed goes unpunished" theory in action. More and more shows seem to be following this unwritten rule nowadays. Real life is now mirroring what's happening on screen. Be a hero, get shot in the throat. Help your fellow man, eat lead. Is it any wonder why studies have shown that people are increasingly less likely to take any form of action when they witness a potential crime? We're being programmed subtly to believe that being good Samaritans will only bring us misfortune. Nice. And, by the way, I'm still trying to figure out why Jack Bauer always sounds like he just ran up 32 flights of stairs when he talks. Must be the residual effect of being repeatedly tortured for being a good guy and saving the world.

Okay, my final midnight rant for the day. I'm in the supermarket the other day, and a young, slightly overweight, tattooed, 5 o'clock-shadowed, buzz-cut, 20-something macho dude is in the checkout line in front of me. He gingerly puts his 20 or so items on the conveyor belt, managing to spread them out sufficiently to take up the entire thing, when they could have easily taken up only a third of it. As he's rung up, he chats on his cell phone while pretending to make an attempt at bagging his groceries. He holds up the line while he fumbles for his debit card while still yakking to his friend on the phone. I'm thinking, "This kid is lacking basic manners," but I give him the benefit of the doubt. In the parking lot, I'm putting my groceries in the car and - lo and behold - there's Nimrod, a few cars over. An associate has apparently been baby-sitting his car while he shopped for cat food and frozen dinners. He loads his bags in the trunk, and instead of walking the 15 feet it would take to place his shopping cart in the little cart return area, he leaves his cart in the empty space next to his car. It waits patiently for the opportunity to ruin someone's otherwise pristine paint job. Dude, they have wheels on them. They roll. They're metal. Do the math, you moron. Mr. I'm-too-cool-to-give-a-shit hops back in his green Chevy sedan and tools out of the parking lot, on his way to making someone else's day just a little bit less pleasant. After placing Mr. Considerate's cart where it belongs, I retract the benefit of the doubt, shake my head, smile, and head home, just a little more convinced that choosing not to procreate was probably a good idea.

Penny for your thoughts...

I learned the other day that it costs the US Mint over 2 cents to crank out a penny. Now, I'm no mathematician, but that seems less than cost-effective. So why do we still make more of them? Rich folks (who generally make all the rules) have no use for pennies anymore. Joe Average is annoyed by them. Most people, I'm guessing, would no longer bother to bend over and pick one up, should they happen upon it on the street. I'll go so far as to speculate that a homeless person living in a cardboard box would turn down an offer of pennies. How many of us have a coffee can - or perhaps some larger container - taking up space in our home, chock full o' pennies, that we just wish would go away. Even most banks don't want them - less and less banks are willing to count change these days, and when it comes to pennies, I can't blame them. Nobody likes 'em, with the possible exception of numismatists (and who cares what they like, anyway?). Other than shoving a couple in one's loafers, or using one to test the tread depth on a car tire, they're bordering on being useless. So please, for the love of money, can't we just use common sense and stop making these common cents already? That's my two cents, which should probably be about a buck and a half, adjusted for inflation.

Justice for the downtrodden female tennis stars of Wimbledon, at last

So, the fine folks at Wimbledon announced that they're finally going to pay the women the same prize money as the men now. Hallelujah! Good for them. Good for the already-ridiculously-overpaid female athletes, too - they're certainly entitled to equal pay for equal work. Why should the male winner walk off with a walloping $1.28 million, while the shortchanged female winner takes home just $1.22 million. Forgive me, but I'm finding it hard to well up over the sad state of affairs befalling athletes who clear more in a year than most of us make in a lifetime. But hey, fair is fair. Equal work - equal pay.

Just one thing: I believe that the women need to start playing 5-set matches, just like the men. Tit for tat, if you will. Look, it wasn't all that long ago that common belief was that a woman could never compete against a man on the tennis court. Billie Jean King graciously proved otherwise. Now, today's athletes - both men and women - are in incredible physical condition, with trainers, coaches, and the best technology that their bloated wallets can afford. You can hardly say in good conscience that a female athlete in her late teens or early twenties can't handle a 5-set match. Why, to make such a claim would be tantamount to sexism! So, either pay those women equally to play as many sets as the men, or let the men play as few sets as the women. C'mon, fair is fair.

And, while we're talking sports for a moment, let me ask you this: Why is it that when our top American teams play their final game of the season, the winner is dubbed "World Champion"? If our championships only involve American teams, then this is a rather pompous, arrogant, and unsupported claim, isn't it? Contrary to that toe-tapping song from a charity concert of some years ago, "We are not the world." Just don't tell that to the president. Good night, and good seats.

Just trying to make my way home...

Well, as it so frequently happens here in Philly, I'm driving home from work when I hit a mile-long backup on one of the only main thoroughfares in the area, Bustleton Avenue (or, as no one affectionately refers to it - Rt. 532). And, as is so frequently the case, the cause of this backup during the rush hour drive is none other than one of Philly's finest pulling over a guy who may have been speeding on his motorcycle or something. There the motorcycle rider stands, between his bike and the police cruiser, which are both blocking the entire right lane of traffic off into the horizon.

Could the cop have pulled him off the main road, perhaps into the nearest side street, or maybe into the nearby mini-mall lot or gas station on the corner? I'm thinking "yes." Should he have done so, instead of creating a completely unnecessary traffic tie-up and adding to the number of commuters already contemplating acts of road rage? Again, affirmative. The only reasons not to do so would be - what? I dunno - the sheer joy of the power trip, a lack of simple reasoning skills, or the complete absence of giving a shit would be my guess. How about it, officers - with all due respect to those who don't get paid nearly enough to deal with criminals and put themselves in harm's way - while you're busy "protecting" and "serving," do you think maybe you could exercise a smidgen of common sense and courtesy for the benefit of all of us law-abiding folks trying to shake off another day of toil and just get home to our families, take-out dinners, or tv sets, and PLEASE STOP BLOCKING TRAFFIC JUST TO HAND OUT FRIGGIN' TICKETS? Thank you.

Eureka - why mankind is flushing itself down the hopper

I've quite possibly stumbled upon the root of all of our problems here on planet Earth. God, I suspect, has not abandoned us, as some would have you think. He has simply become preoccupied with the standings in all of our major sporting events, and the individual performance of our grossly overpaid athletes. Why should we expect the Lord to spend his time sorting out our petty differences, ending war, preventing famine and starvation, etc., when there's a game on! While many a terrorist praises his particular incarnation of the incarnate, there's nothing so satisfying as hearing a man who has lost his own son to suicide thanking the Lord Almighty for letting him adorn his finger with a gaudy but much-coveted Super Bowl ring.

So, you see, if we want God to help us right our wrongs, if we want the Almighty to deliver us from our own greed, stupidity, avarice, and plain-old evil, we just need to limit his exposure to the playoffs. Of course, this theory may be completely wrong if, in fact, the Lord is female. In that case, I'm blaming Grey's Anatomy.

If you only see one musical act this year....

See Rodrigo y Gabriela! They are absolutely mesmerizing in person, and not to be missed. Here's their version of Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven:

Here's a slightly longer video (live at the Scala):


And here's the duo on Jimmy Kimmel, playing Diablo Rojo, their tribute to a roller coaster:

Visit their website
Here's their MySpace site

Don't misunderestimate him

This classic video demonstrates why our ever-confident president is not to be truffled with:

... and the real reason for Bush's apparent speech difficulties. Ah, it's all a strategery: