ya feel lucky, punk? Well.... do ya?

Fresh off the looney press that documents my life, here's what just happened a few minutes ago. Since we had this unusually warm day in Philly today (it hit 80 degrees), I decided it would be fun to dust off the bike and take my inaugural Spring jaunt through the neighborhood streets. The wind was in my face up one street, at my back down the next. The quadriceps burned as I strained to stay in high gear up the relatively minor grade - man, am I outta shape. Anyhow, here's where it gets interesting:

I reached down for the brand new water bottle I had just minutes earlier washed and filled with Propel (yep, it's "how Gatorade does water" -- when they're not doing water with Gatorade mix in it). I took a few gulps, and dropped the bottle back into its holder, only I misjudged where the holder was, and the bottle bounced off the bike frame onto the ground. Well, from there, it took a bounce on its end, landed on its side, and went into a backspin of some sort. As I turned the bike around, figuring the bottle would find its home smack dab under the middle of a truck (Murphy's Law), I discovered yet another variation to Murphy's Law: An object dropped in the middle of the street will come to rest directly under the middle of the nearest parked truck, UNLESS THERE IS A STORM GUTTER ANYWHERE ON THE STREET. I searched under every parked car and truck, to no avail. The gutter was grinning at me, through its metal braces. Damn, I really thought that new water bottle and I were gonna be long-time buddies, too. I'm guessing if those odds had been applied to a lottery ticket, I'd be at least a thousandaire right now.

photo credit: jalexartis via photopin cc

Don't try this at home, and some other late-night ramblings

So, I'm watching tv the other night, and I see this potato chip commercial with a disclaimer on it warning the viewers not to try the crazy stunts being performed by professionals in the commercial. Yes, some people are that incredibly stupid, and yes, corporations are that worried about being sued by those very people. Meanwhile, the tv shows aired between all the commercials, the movies we watch, and countless video games depict heinous and grotesque scenes of murder and mayhem (and yes, stunts we probably shouldn't try ourselves), but you don't see any warnings there, do ya? Nothing like, "Shooting hookers in the face and stealing cars should only be attempted by professionals. Don't try these criminal acts yourself," or maybe, "Professional sluts on a closed course. Don't try these adulterous acts at home." I dunno, I'm just saying... Wouldn't you agree that if someone's dumb enough to try and imitate everything they see on tv, they kind of deserve whatever happens to them? It's survival of the fittest, not the dimmest, after all. And while we're on the subject of commercials, does anybody remember when you paid extra money to a cable company because you wanted to watch tv and movies without annoying commercials? Now you pay 100 bucks a month for the shows, and they hit you with more commercials than the non-cable stations. How stupid are we? These guys are making money from 9 different directions, and they keep raising prices because they pretty much have a monopoly. Makes me want to find a nice, shiny, wet road and drive my car sideways on it at high speed (in slow motion).

Okay, so here's another disturbing trend I'm noticing lately. If you're a fan of 24 (and who isn't), have you noticed how anyone who does anything admirable on that show gets tortured, maimed or killed? The old "no good deed goes unpunished" theory in action. More and more shows seem to be following this unwritten rule nowadays. Real life is now mirroring what's happening on screen. Be a hero, get shot in the throat. Help your fellow man, eat lead. Is it any wonder why studies have shown that people are increasingly less likely to take any form of action when they witness a potential crime? We're being programmed subtly to believe that being good Samaritans will only bring us misfortune. Nice. And, by the way, I'm still trying to figure out why Jack Bauer always sounds like he just ran up 32 flights of stairs when he talks. Must be the residual effect of being repeatedly tortured for being a good guy and saving the world.

Okay, my final midnight rant for the day. I'm in the supermarket the other day, and a young, slightly overweight, tattooed, 5 o'clock-shadowed, buzz-cut, 20-something macho dude is in the checkout line in front of me. He gingerly puts his 20 or so items on the conveyor belt, managing to spread them out sufficiently to take up the entire thing, when they could have easily taken up only a third of it. As he's rung up, he chats on his cell phone while pretending to make an attempt at bagging his groceries. He holds up the line while he fumbles for his debit card while still yakking to his friend on the phone. I'm thinking, "This kid is lacking basic manners," but I give him the benefit of the doubt. In the parking lot, I'm putting my groceries in the car and - lo and behold - there's Nimrod, a few cars over. An associate has apparently been baby-sitting his car while he shopped for cat food and frozen dinners. He loads his bags in the trunk, and instead of walking the 15 feet it would take to place his shopping cart in the little cart return area, he leaves his cart in the empty space next to his car. It waits patiently for the opportunity to ruin someone's otherwise pristine paint job. Dude, they have wheels on them. They roll. They're metal. Do the math, you moron. Mr. I'm-too-cool-to-give-a-shit hops back in his green Chevy sedan and tools out of the parking lot, on his way to making someone else's day just a little bit less pleasant. After placing Mr. Considerate's cart where it belongs, I retract the benefit of the doubt, shake my head, smile, and head home, just a little more convinced that choosing not to procreate was probably a good idea.