We hear it every day. A mouthwash that kills 99.9% of the germs that cause bad breath. A toilet cleaner that kills 99.9% of the crud in your disgustingly grungy toilet bowl. (Hey, I'm no Mr. Clean, but if my toilet ever looked like the ones in those commercials, I'd throw it out and get a new one, and consider hiring someone to clean my toilet, due to my apparent incapacity to do so myself.) How about those hand sanitizers that kill 99.9% of the germs we sissies can't seem to survive being exposed to anymore (unfortunately, they don't tell you that we're so busy killing off the bad germs, we're also annihilating the good ones that help us fight a lot of illness). So, the burning question is this: Why can't we make a product that's 100% effective? Dammit, we get soooooooo close, time after time! One measly tenth of a percent! C'mon, guys, can't you try just a little harder?
It's even weirder than that one idiot dentist out of every ten who doesn't agree that some chewing gum helps prevent gingivitis. Or the one out of every ten Americans who still believe that George W. Bush isn't a megalomaniac with delusions of grandeur who is oblivious to the blight his administration has cast upon most of the world. But I digress.
We all know that the "99.9%" crap comes from a bunch of lawyers who advise their clients not to say "100%" in order to avoid unnecessary lawsuits. Can any of these companies prove their 99.9% claims? Has anyone asked them to do so? Maybe we should. I'd rather hear them say, "Our product kills a boatload of bad stuff in your mouth, so just use it, or you'll have lots of bad stuff in your mouth that you don't want in there." Then, of course, there'd probably be some lawyer out there who said, "Well, just how much bad stuff exactly does it kill? Inquiring minds want to know."
Studies have shown that all of this advertising nonsense is killing 99.9% of the brain cells we could be using to choose the best product for our needs, rather than the one that has the sexiest spokesmodel or slickest ad campaign. That said, I have to admit it - I love that gecko. Well, I'm 99.9% asleep now, so I'm going to bed.
Before I go, I just have a serious recommendation. Please check out www.freehugscampaign.org - here's a guy on a mission that is 100% worthwhile.
