American media needs two things right now

If you pay any attention to the MSM outlets these days, you are, no doubt, keenly aware that our world is in a bit of turmoil. The laundry list of sad and evil occurrences around the globe is simply staggering. It has gotten to the point where I would not be at all surprised to hear the nightly news report start off something like this:

"Good evening, I'm Perky LeBlonde, and this is the right-between-late afternoon-and-early-evening news. Our top story: We are unbelievably, completely, and irretrievably screwed. According to sources wishing to remain anonymous, the party is officially over. The cost of everything on the planet has just doubled, and we've run out of all of the good stuff. Even the richest 1% of the population is unable to buy the toys that they have been looking forward to, because production on almost everything has ground to a halt. The rent is past due, the landlord has had enough, and we're being evicted. -- This just in: we have been advised by Congress to - and I quote - 'Smoke if you got 'em, find yourself a good orgy to attend, and prepare to kiss your asses goodbye. The fat lady is wailing.' We'll be back after a word from our sponsor, Satan Chemical."

So, what are the two things that our MSM needs right now?

1. A reminder that their job is to honestly report important events and disseminate unbiased, truthful information to the public. Their job is NOT to disperse propaganda that they are fed by those who wish to keep the masses complacent and pacified, nor is it to frighten or shock the public into mass hysteria with sensationalism.

2. See #1

Oh, and could you please tell that pretty weather girl to come in out of the hurricane?

photo credit: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com via photopin cc

Help! I've driven and I can't park my car!

A recent, exciting innovation in the automotive market is advanced technology that enables cars to parallel-park themselves, leaving the driver to attend to more pressing matters, such as finishing his or her bacon cheeseburger and latte, or snapping off a witty retort to their friend's latest text message. I am not convinced that this enhancement benefits our society, and here is why:

Plainly put, if you are thrilled about this technology because you cannot master the skill of parking your car effectively, you probably should not be operating a motor vehicle. The fact that you can point a 2-ton ballistic missile in a straight line and press two pedals does not a driver make. Parking one's car should not be something that we are above doing, nor should it be something that one can "take a pass" on, because "it's just too darned hard."

While taking a friend's daughter out for a driving lesson recently, we spent some time practicing how to parallel park. She kept repeating how much she hated it, and how scary it was. This is a generation that can manage to text 300 words/minute of nonsense to a person sitting in the same room, while excelling at their favorite virtual athletic activity on their Wii or Nintendo, while simultaneously watching commercials for the next toy that they cannot live without, while explaining to their parents why they weren't able to finish their homework or chores (do kids even have chores anymore?), because there just aren't enough hours in the day. But I digress.

There are an awful lot of awful drivers on the road today. Many are preoccupied with activities that should not be performed at the same time as operating a motor vehicle. Others simply don't take driving all that seriously, in the first place. Still others are simply ill-equipped to handle the responsibility of navigating the streets in a four-wheeled weapon. It is this last group that will be saluting and buying the cars that park themselves. They will still be a danger to the rest of us; only now, they'll be able to smile with glee and look around with pride, as onlookers marvel at how smart and talented their cars are.

This paragraph may ruffle some feathers, but I do not apologize for that. I often wonder if the invention of the automatic transmission was such a great idea. To drive a manual transmission-equipped car, you have to pay attention. You have to exercise good judgment, good physical coordination, and demonstrate a mastery of your vehicle. These are all good things. The manual transmission - like it or not - served as a legitimate filter for weeding out those people who were unable to achieve said mastery of their vehicle. This, despite being an inconvenience to some, was also a good thing. Shaving, applying makeup, eating, and exchanging text messages are all things that should be done before or after you drive your car or truck - not during the process. The manual transmission, like it or not, kind of forced drivers to - well... drive!

Our society (or, more accurately, our marketplace) constantly finds new ways to sell conveniences to the masses, thus enabling incompetent people to participate in activities that they perhaps should avoid. "So simple, an idiot can do it" doesn't necessarily mean that an idiot should. I am all for tools that enable someone who has no formal training in web design to throw together a pretty, drag-and-drop website. The worst that can come of that is a website that no one wants to visit. A bad or ignorant driver, bolstered by the confidence provided by a car that can do some of the driving for him - that almost guarantees potential trouble.

And when one of these cars malfunctions and bends a fender, or squashes a pedestrian or animal, fire up the law firms, baby. Somebody will be opening up the checkbook, and the lawyers will be celebrating with champagne, as their cars park themselves in front of the courthouse.


photo of Herbie, credit: ** Lucky Cavey ** via photopin cc

The official language of the United States

I made a phone call the other day, and listened to the voice mail directions, like a typical, well-trained citizen of our electronically-controlled nation. After the first flurry of directions, I was greeted with the following: "Press 1 for English, Press 2 for Spanish..."

Can anyone tell me why - in the United States of America - we should have to press anything to continue in English? Don't misunderstand me - I realize that in our melting pot society, we need to be tolerant of and helpful to those who have not yet mastered English. However, having years of experience in the telephony industry, I happen to know that you can program an automated call handling system to offer those who don't speak English well an option to continue in another language, without making those who do speak English press buttons needlessly. This type of automated call handling setup is lazy, sloppy, and insulting to English-speaking Americans, as well as to those who come to our country and make the effort to learn our language.

If you agree, please don't press anything to continue. By all means, though, stay on the line, because your call is important to us. 

photo credit: keepingtime_ca via photopin cc

Newsflash - Fathers are spineless numbskulls

Hey, kind reader - have you noticed the disturbing trend in tv advertising? That trend is making adult males (usually dads) look like complete imbeciles. I understand the reason for it, from a pure marketing perspective. Women are responsible for most of the purchasing done these days, apparently. It doesn't make these commercials any less distasteful or insulting. Just in case you haven't actually noticed these ads, here are a few examples:

Lowes - A sissified hubby gets bullied not only by his wife, but by their cute little pre-teen daughter each time he sighs with relief that the house projects are finally finished. The wuss then whips out the wallet to buy whatever the girls demand next.

Cheerios - Poor Steve asks his snotty wife if she's eating Cheerios to lose weight, and winds up sheepishly saying that the cereal box also says, "Shut up, Steve."

Goodyear - the wife angrily says to her husband "You're an idiot!!" after he buys the other brand of tire.

Verizon - a father is trying to help his young daughter with her homework when he is belittled and scolded by his wife, who orders him to "leave her alone!" and go wash the dog.

Yoplait  - Some pathetic numbnut gets abused by his droning girlfriend over luscious yogurt. See a write-up on this commercial here: http://adweek.blogs.com/adfreak/2010/04/yoplait-light-proves-men-can-eat-yogurt-too.html

There are many other examples; these are a few that just popped into my head. Look, you could argue that it's all in good fun, but rest assured that:

1. It is costly advertising that has been specifically designed to produce a calculated end result: Stroke the egos of females and make them feel in control of the purse strings by demeaning the male and reminding him that he is not in control of the purse strings.

2.If the people being portrayed as morons in these commercials happened to belong to some minority group - or if they were women - someone would be suing someone into homelessness.

photo credit: candrews via photopin cc

There is already an epidemic of disrespect in this country, and now we're teaching children that it's okay to make fun of bumbling, fumbling, helpless, hopeless, doofus Dad, if the reason is to bully him into submissively buying more crap that we don't need. I'm not even a father, and I take offense to it, out of sympathy for what the Dads of America have to deal with.

Guys, if you happen to notice these derogatory, demeaning commercials, and you still have some self-respect, take note of the advertisers. Then, buy your stuff from those advertiser's competitors. Or better yet, send an email to the company, and let them know you'll cease doing business with them until they stop disrespecting the American male for the sake of a buck. And women - if you still have any respect left for your boyfriends and hubbies, you can do the same on their behalf. Think about how you'd feel if the ads made all women look like boobs. (That pun was too good to pass up, sorry.) I like a good, hilarious stereotype as much as anybody, but not when it is designed expressly to subconsciously manipulate our purchasing behavior. If we want to see stupid dads behaving like morons, we can watch the Simpsons or Family Guy. At least we'll understand the point of the satire.

On a more positive advertising note - kudos to Travelers Insurance for their brilliant (and entertaining) campaign showing wild animals hanging out with their predators in peaceful harmony. That's creative advertising! 

The Cove wins an Oscar - maybe you should see it now.

The brilliant documentary The Cove has completed its amassing of awards by taking the Oscar for Best Feature Documentary. If you haven't seen the film yet, and you consider yourself a compassionate human being, I recommend that you watch it. It's much more than a basic documentary. It has the excitement and suspense of an action film, and the engaging, eye-opening detective work of an exposé.

 Here is a trailer:

 The debate rages on over the captive marine mammal issue, but the moral and ethical implications of capturing these animals for our fun and profit is becoming increasingly clear.

Update (December 9, 2015):

Another film was released in 2013, documenting the plight of the Orca or Killer Whale, as they're called. The film is called "Blackfish." It details the story of Tilikum, a captive Sea World Orca that has been responsible for several human deaths (this, despite the fact that there is no record of an Orca ever attacking a human in the wild).  Here is the trailer:

Extra credit activity

If you're like me, (you're probably not, but that's a popular way to get people's attention), you most likely receive more offers for credit cards in a given month than you'd like. C'mon, you know you do. Yes, you've contacted DMAchoice.org and any other agency who can help to reduce your junk mail, but still the envelopes come. What do you do with them? If you're like most folks (see, it really does work), you either throw them straight in the round file (a.k.a. trash can) or you exercise your right to protect your privacy by shredding them. Here's a suggestion for a much more effective process:

Start saving them. Then, once a week, or once a month, or whenever it's convenient, take the stack into the bathroom with you when you're about to make a deposit. Open the envelopes, and place the contents - minus any identifying information - into the bank's postage-paid return envelopes. Heck, mix and match - be creative. Again, be sure to remove anything that can identify you, or you'll just wind up getting even more junk mail. Do NOT take advantage of the fact that you are currently producing bodily waste to adorn the paper with your genetic signature (although this could both save toilet paper and give you a brief sense of satisfaction) -- that's unsanitary and just plain wrong. Pop the return envelopes in the mailbox, and don't forget to shred the parts with your personal information on them.

This will result in the following:
1. More income for the poor, beleaguered Post Office - they need the cash, apparently.
2. Less incentive for the banks and credit card companies to keep killing trees and bombarding us with this junk every week. If they have to pay to receive and process millions of envelopes stuffed with unwanted, useless crap in them (kinda like what they send us), they might actually rethink the practice of annoying us with these relentless offers in the first place.
3. Less trees needlessly wasted on this junk.
4. Less junk mail you have to shred, since it contains information that people might use to steal your identity.
5. A chance to hit the banks in the only place it hurts them - the bottom line - as a signal that you're tired of their practices.

It takes very little effort on your part, it feels somewhat satisfying, and it's democracy in action. It's a chance to speak your mind with demonstrative action, and maybe help inspire positive change. If you like this idea, by all means, spread the word around and let's start a movement. In order to do good, we must first do something.

Palin's got the issues well in hand

Teleprompter this, notes on hand that... the problem is so much larger than who is the better speaker and who is the lesser of the many evils we must choose to elect. Now, we have Mrs. Palin collecting 100 grand to bad-mouth the sitting president for using the same technology that every president has used since its inception (and that she has used herself), while she scribbles talking points on her hand in order to answer simple questions that she has been given in advance. If it weren't so tragic, it would be funny.

The real problem is much more complex (which is probably why so many seem to be missing it, choosing instead to focus on never-ending inane distractions). We now live in a country where:

* Fox News is apparently considered the most trustworthy news source (I don't even know where to begin with this one - this is more worrisome than N1H1 ever was).
* Palin is still riding the wave of support that had her nearly a heartbeat away from the driver's seat of this once-great nation, and the woman needs crib notes on her hand to remind her to slip in catch-phrases about such hard-to-remember core values as energy and tax cuts. She continues to astound us with her incompetence and holier-than-Obama attitude, and folks still pay attention to her. Why? What if she wasn't so folksy and easy to look at? Would anyone pay attention to her?
* Selfish miscreants committing heinous acts of evil suffer less harsh punishment than many individuals who commit minor crimes (much depends on who is committing the crime, of course) Punishment no longer fits the crime, and this is a major source of our problems. It seems that the only way to keep people civil and law-abiding is to make the punishment greater than the reward.
* The millions spent on beer and snacks to celebrate a football game last week could have provided food, water, and other necessities to an entire third-world country. Never mind the money spent on promoting the game, the prize money for winners and losers, the merchandise sales, etc. Our priorities - in terms of caring for our fellow man and addressing what is really important - seem skewed.
* People expect a single man (or woman) to fix overnight all that has gone wrong with our country, and that simply cannot be done. Where so many are guilty of creating this situation, it will take an equal number to right the ship before it sinks.

My final thought is this: Be careful what you wish for. If we eventually place Palin - or someone of her ilk - in the White House, we will reap what we sow.

A turn for the worst

Today's post involves the infamous No Turn on Red sign. You could say that this topic "grinds my gears," if you were a devout fan of Family Guy. Now, I don't know if this law applies where you, dear reader, reside; I can only hope that it does not. Where I live, it has been on the books for many years. Here's a bit of history, for those either unfamiliar with this law, or really, seriously bored:

When the law was introduced, drivers were informed that right-hand turns would be permitted during a red light, as long as one came to a complete stop at the intersection, and confirmed that it was safe to proceed. Sounds logical enough. How often do you reach an intersection and find that there is no traffic approaching perpendicular to your vehicle from the left? Quite often, I would wager. This new law was a refreshing bit of legislation! No longer would we have to helplessly and needlessly wait at an intersection for the light to allow us to continue; we could get on with our lives and use our common sense to decide whether or not it was safe to make a turn while the light was red. Fuel and time would be saved, and drivers could take pride in knowing that the powers that be trusted them with the act of simple thought followed by simple action.

Therein lies part of the problem. As Voltaire put it, "Le sens commun n'est pas si commun." Or, "Common sense is not so common." Apparently, some of us - maybe those same ones who drive with their knees while holding the Blackberry in one hand and the Egg McMuffin in the other (you know who you are) - were not making stellar decisions about the level of safety in their impending turns. I say this with just a hint of sarcasm, because I feel that there may be a darker, more diabolical reason for the sudden attachment of the No Turn on Red signs to poles on a staggering and illogical number of intersections. Do you wonder what the overall cost might be for manufacturing and installing what must be millions of those signs? Do you wonder who reaps the profit? Do you wonder whose palms got the grease?

I could delve more deeply into this issue, but I'll just let you gnaw on it. Something to consider: it would likely have been cheaper for the law to say that you CAN'T turn on red (just like before), unless there's a sign saying that you CAN. However, that would have reduced the profit somebody is making on all of those lovely signs and their installation. If you live in an area with these signs, start paying attention to how many intersections they occupy. Here's the kicker - the thing that really irritates me: take note of how many of those intersections have perfectly clear lines of sight in all directions, making it absolutely simple to see whether or not a turn is going to be safe. Then, ask yourself whether you're too stupid to decide on whether to turn or not. If you feel that you might not be intelligent enough to make that call, then please, please, please hand in your voter registration card and driver's license immediately, take public transportation, and consider wearing a helmet when you watch television.

Car questions that make me wonder

Okay, I'm guessing not many people ponder this one, but somebody has to do it. Next time you're driving someplace, take note of which vehicles around you have rear windshield wipers. You may become as puzzled as me afterward. For example, many cars on the road today have very steeply-sloped front and rear windshields - it's more aerodynamic, I reckon. My car's rear windshield is sloped at about 45 degrees. Now, the majority of those vehicles do not have rear wipers. Most SUV's seem to have them. Today, I spotted a brand new Ford Flex in front of me. Boxy little bugger. The rear windshield was maybe a foot or so in height, and - no exaggeration here - almost completely vertical. Darned if there wasn't a cute little mini-wiper back there. Rain and snow would have to be rather determined - and fall horizontally - to stick to that window. Meanwhile, how many times did you have to remove snow, slush, or other unwanted material from your rear windshield by hand because your car doesn't have a rear wiper? The bigger question may be, "Why don't ALL vehicles come with them?"

Which kind of ties into another area of vehicular ponderment of mine: Why do you suppose that many car makers feel the need to place reflectors and lights on car bumpers? Hmmm, because it's an efficient place to put them? Um, because people like them there? Er, government mandate? Nope (loud buzzing sound) - the answer we were looking for is "Because it makes repairing your car's bumper way more expensive when it gets bumped by something from which it's supposed to protect your car and it's lights and reflectors." We should all start boycotting vehicles that blatantly do things to jack up maintenance and repair costs, and let the auto makers know why, too. Now that they're scrambling to get us to start buying their products again, maybe they'll actually listen.

What about the front and back effects?

Well, this is a brief post that I just had to write. No doubt, we all enjoy being bombarded by the multitude of television commercials for drugs - that's a given. I have followed their polite suggestions repeatedly, "asking my doctor" if such-and-such is right for me. Even though they occasionally don't tell us what the darned drug is designed to do, it doesn't hurt to check with the old M.D. and see if that little pill might be the answer to my latest woes. My doctor no longer takes my calls. Maybe there's a pill for that.

Anyway, the latest drug commercial to tickle my fancy is for... well, I honestly have no recollection of that. What got my attention was the guy hawking the drug, as he spouted off the list of potential side effects. Yes, you know those disclaimers -- where they warn you that taking their drug to help with your seasonal allergies may cause nosebleeds, headaches, congestion, severe allergic reactions, or spontaneous combustion. Well, in this one particular commercial, the announcer calmly and matter-of-factly states, "If you're allergic to {whatever the hell the drug is called}, don't take it." Are you kidding me? Have we reached the point where we have to be warned not to keep ingesting something to which we're allergic? Or, is that just the coming trend in disclaimers? "Well, we told you not to take it if it makes you spontaneously combust...." I think I'm becoming allergic to these commercials. Hey, Doc, can you prescribe a pill for that?

Post Veep Debate Observations

Sarah Palin, "God love 'er," has demonstrated that she is a bobblehead (albeit a pretty one, you betcha) who is clearly ill-equipped to be second in command of our country. Her winking, folksy, "I'll answer your questions any way I want," uninformed performance left little doubt that she does not have the goods to be anything more than governmental eye-candy. Despite the die-hard Republican supporters' chants that she aced the debate and is two-legged mannah from heaven above, the facts speak for themselves. The only reason that she wasn't left floating in a pool of humiliation at the end of that debate was because Joe Biden bit his tongue for a few hours in order to avoid coming off as a big, bad bully. Had his opponent been anyone else - male or female - he would have been given the green light to expose the ignorance revealed in their responses (or lack thereof) to the questions asked by the moderator.

Let's just cut to the chase: Sarah Palin was not selected for her extensive experience or expertise. She was chosen for two reasons only. First, she exudes the "regular folk" charm and appeal that middle America seems to find soothing (by golly, we don't like it when our leaders remind us that they're smarter than us), and she does it in a package that is easy to look at. Second, she offered the Republican party a relative lock on the Evangelical vote, which is nothing short of huge. What remains to be seen at this point is whether loyalty to religious affiliation and/or party trumps common sense. If history is any indicator (and, sadly, it is), I won't be remotely surprised to see a gun-totin', Bible-thumpin', abortion-bannin' Barbie elected to the second highest office in our once-great nation.

She'll be changin' what she doesn't want people lookin' back on, drill-baby-drillin' the daylights out of our sensitive and already-damaged ecosystem for oil that the country won't benefit from for ten years, takin' target practice from Air Force 2 on whichever animals haven't been rendered extinct yet ("sorry, Ms. Vice President - there just aren't any polar bears left to plink off with your high-powered rifle"), honoring women's rights by forbidding them from aborting the baby forming inside of them as a result of incestuous rape, and stomping some more on the Constitution by having the VP given more authority and power. Be careful what you wish for, America. Be very, very careful.

Palin-drone, violence in media, and more

Just a few random thoughts that whacked me in the noggin today. First, the whiny and now seemingly invisible Sarah Palin. People, and even the press, seem to finally be tiring of the McCain camp's unmitigated ballsy refusal to let her talk to the media or provide anything more substantive than fluffy video and photo ops of her visits with foreign dignitaries. I'm personally flummoxed by her cocky claims of foreign policy experience, citing the fact that she can "see Russia from an island in Alaska." I suppose I'm qualified to be an astronaut, because I can see the moon from my back yard. I also have foreign trade experience - I've bought several imported cars, and all of my electronics are from overseas, too. I've even watched European soccer. Ridiculous, you say? Yeah, that's pretty much my point. If you choose to compete for the 2nd highest job in the United States of America, you had damned well better be ready, willing, and - dare I say it - able to answer questions about your views, experience, and the red-flocked wallpaper you just had to have in your office as part of an alleged $50,000 makeover. Face it, none of us are without flaws, eccentricities, or skeletons in our little closets. It's not that we have those things - it's how we deal with them and explain them to the good people who will be voting for us. (Yes, even those simple sheep-like saps who just had to run out and buy glasses, shoes, and outfits just like Sarah's.) Well, anyone who has witnessed her pathetic attempts at making sense during her recent interviews can understand why the McCain campaign is trying to keep her under lock and key. I don't know at this point whether she's intelligent or just a lucky, determined pit bull, but I do know that she's potentially a heartbeat away from being in control of our nation. This fact leaves me feeling rather uncomfortable - how about you? On an unrelated note, I haven't yet heard anyone talking about how the candidates seem to be abandoning the letter "g" at the end of words, but I know the point will be addressed soon enough. They're bein' extra folksy when they're discussin' those talkin' points, you get my meanin'? You betcha! Okay, enough about politics.

On to another topic near and dear to me: The effects of violence in our mass media on the general population's proclivity toward violent acts. Here's the thing that occurred to me a few moments ago: Ask the studios why they keep producing uber-violent, disgusting scenes of grotesque murder in movies, tv, and video games. They'll unabashedly admit that they do it because people like to buy and watch the stuff. Bully for people, and bully for the studios. So, following that logic, how about prostitution, then? It's been around for oh, about -- forever. Why? Because, quite simply, men like sex, and women like shiny things. On one hand, it's fine selling entertainment that has been proven (though heavily debated) to have a causal relationship with increasing a person's tendency to act violently. On the other hand, we have a business exchange where a woman voluntarily engages in sexual acts in return for money. Yet, only one of these business practices is deemed wrong, dangerous, and illegal. Am I being too black and white, or am I just guilty of making a bit of sense? There's a not-so-famous quote that says, "Why is there no crime in Germany? Because it's illegal." Why is there a problem with all of the gratuitous violence in our television shows, movies, and video games? Because it encourages violent behavior, desensitizes people to violent acts, and glorifies plain old bad behavior. What's the worst that could happen if the studios agreed to try backing off the slaughter-fest for, say, 12 months? Other than a significant drop in profit until the writers figured out a way to replace easy, lazy scriptwriting with intelligent and thought-provoking works, I can't see a downside, can you? And if it failed to effect a reduction in violent crime, then they could just start firing up the cannons once again.

One final thought: I'm constantly noticing people - intelligent ones - using the phrase, "I could care less" to describe their disinterest in something: Think about it!!! If you COULD care less, that means you care at least a little bit, doesn't it? You really want to say, "I could NOT care less," which more accurately indicates one's lack of concern. Did I really need to clarify this? Sadly, yes. And let's not forget the popular "unchartered territory" reference. I actually heard John McCain use that one in the first presidential debate. Wrong-o. It's actually "uncharted" territory, as in territory that no one has documented yet (like, on a chart), therefore it's kind of an unknown. Unchartered territory, on the other hand, might refer to the Siberian front, or some other such place where you'd have difficulty finding a chartered group tour at your local travel agent. And please, can someone explain to me why the leader of the free world for the past eight years, with all of his expert advisors and coaches, cannot seem to pronounce the word "nuclear" to save his life? C'mon, W - say "New," then say "Clear," and then say 'em together real fast-like. Heh-heh-heh. How that man has the key to the big red button machine is just uncular (read: unclear) to me.

Happy Birthday to you!

I apologize if this happens to offend some of you, but since that declaration is based upon the assumption that anyone will actually read this, it's pretty much an empty apology. My rant today involves the institution of grown adults making a big deal out of their birthdays. Look, I'm a nice guy. I hold the door for total strangers, I donate to worthy causes, I try to help others where possible, and I generally keep my bad habits to myself. So, it's not like I am a master of self-loathing or anything. However, I see no earthly reason to consider the day that I was born to be a particularly spectacular and momentous occasion, worthy of celebration and festivities. Let's face it, people - we don't really have much to do with this event, do we? If you're religious, then you attribute the manifestation of your creation and entry into the world to your parents (be they mortal creatures or laboratory equipment) and whichever deity works best for you. At any rate, our sole involvement in the process is, well... showing up. Yowser, what a remarkable feat. We get pushed out or carved out of our cozy little womb away from home, and this becomes the quintessential crowning achievement of our lifetime? Please.

Now, there are some folks who not only take great pride in that day, but feel the need to remind everyone they know about it annually. How many people do you know who use their birthday as part of their email address? Could they perhaps find a way to be more egocentric? "Hey, here's a constant reminder of when you need to make a big deal out of a random day on the calendar, and buy me stuff." Or, how about people who either covertly or overtly slip mention of the "big day" into casual conversation? "I can't believe I'm going to be 37 on Friday!" I personally know a few people who have elevated this to an art form of sorts. The challenge I've created is trying to predict when and how they'll do it. I know it's coming, but - darn it - they still surprise me with their creativity sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, now - I believe that we're all special. I also believe that we have much to celebrate about ourselves and each other (with certain obvious exceptions, of course - Charles Manson comes to mind). Still, it seems to me that most, if not all of us, have memories of specific days in our lives that are worthy of honoring each year. I don't know, let's say, that first hole in one ever, or the day we blasted our best friend in the face with a shotgun while hunting for stuff that doesn't even remotely resemble a human face. Maybe the day we lost our virginity, or the day we helped someone else to lose theirs. Or maybe a day when we actually did something meaningful and useful, like the one when we helped build a house for a homeless family, or created a few thousand homeless families by invading an oil-rich country under false pretenses. You get the idea. Life is full of potential celebrations.

In my particular case, I have always downplayed my birthday, for reasons I can't really explain any better than I have in the preceding paragraphs. I absolutely never mention it to anyone when it is nearing, and when someone says, "Hey, it's your birthday on Friday, huh?", my reply is usually something like, "Yep. Hey, did you see that story on 60 Minutes last night...?" My idea of a nice birthday celebration is when a friend or loved one calls me up and says, "Hey, let's go to dinner to celebrate your birthday." They don't even have to buy dinner for me; it's just nice to have an enjoyable dinner out with someone you like to be around, and if a birthday is the impetus for the dinner out, fine by me.

The day we individuals are born is simply not that important, in the big picture. It's not even that important in the small thumbnail picture. So, if you are completely hell-bent on believing that your birthday is very extraordinary, can you just trust your friends and loved ones to remember all on their own, without reminding them about it every year like it's news of an impending visit from a resurrected savior? Does it really mean as much when someone wishes you a happy birthday only after you conveniently reminded them that it was approaching, and on which specific day? (Well, I guess it does, if you're just after the material gain that birthdays are supposed to bring.) Just try keeping it to yourself one time. If everyone forgets, it either means that your birthday isn't quite as important to the rest of society as you assumed, or it means that you need some new friends. As for me, I'm off to celebrate the anniversary of my discovering that computers have generously given me carpal tunnel syndrome.

Awesome young band from the Isle of Man

I don't frequently get wowed by 20-year old three-piece bands. This is happily one of those rare occasions. The blues/rock band that's got my attention is called Back Door Slam. Their lead guitarist/vocalist is a 21-year-old phenom named Davey Knowles, and he can write, sing, and most definitely play beyond his years! I've caught their show twice so far, and have my tickets for their upcoming return engagement in Philly (March 25). At both prior shows (at the World Cafe Live), they received multiple standing ovations, and earned them. The crowd was impressed, and I'm pretty sure that this band will be getting major attention soon. Knowles has got this quiet confidence that you don't generally see in someone with his talent. No cockiness or arrogance, and it's truly a pleasure to watch him speak through his instrument, whether that instrument happens to be his Strat, an acoustic (which I dare say he sounds fantastic on), or the mandolin he picked up during an encore. His voice is strong, and will only continue to get better as he matures. There's also something special about the band's genuine appreciation and gratitude for the accolades they receive, and their joy in meeting with the fans after their shows. Whether Knowles' impending fame melts that away remains to be seen, but I'm enjoying watching him and his cohorts - Ross Doyle (drums) and Adam Jones (bass) - tear up the stage in the meantime. It's easy to overlook the talent that the other two band members bring to the stage while you stare transfixed at Davey in relative awe. They may be kids, but they've got the skills, and they're for real. Give them a listen!

Have a happy green New Year!

In today's headlines, we learned that the glorious ball dropped in Times Square to ring in the New Year was retrofitted to be a "green" energy saver. Oh, joy. Quoth the BBC News:

"The LEDs on the $1.1m (£550,000) New Year's Eve Ball that will descend on Monday will be able to create a kaleidoscope of colours and patterns on each of its 672 crystal triangular panels."

So, let's see... balance that 1.1 MILLION dollar retrofit against the half a gazillion dollars spent nationwide to launch pyrotechnics into the air for twenty or so minutes, so that we could say, "Oooooooh, ahhhhhhh," and wind up with a strained neck. Let's not forget the amount of pollution those fireworks needlessly belched into our ever-weakening atmosphere. Don't get me wrong - I love watching the beautiful displays as much as the next guy. Still, at some point we need to weigh the consequences of our selfish actions, don't we? You know - walk the walk? We cause needless pollution, scare the living crap out of countless pets, cause a goodly amount of injuries to amateur pyromaniacs (well, maybe that's one for the plus column....), and waste millions of dollars that could be spent to make the planet a slightly better place to live (or maybe feed some starving people).


Yeah, we're really saving some trees with that big ol' ball in NY city. I'm filled with pride - how 'bout you?

The lights ain't only bright on Broadway

A friend of mine had to return the iHome gadget that she received as a gift the other day. Why, you might ask? Because the LED display was so bright, that even on the dimmest setting, it kept her awake, illuminating the room enough to cast shadows. I though I was the only one becoming annoyed by this phenomenon, but apparently that is not the case. We are quietly being besieged by all manner of LED light pollution, and I, for one, am growing tired of it. Unfortunately, as tired as I am, I can't sleep!

I turn off the light in my bedroom, and I suddenly become aware of myriad light sources, most of which are truly unnecessary. OK, you've got your clock radio - that makes sense. But then, what's that little light glowing atop the space heater that's not even turned on. Do we really need a light telling us that something is merely plugged in? I can pretty much navigate my way through the house now in total darkness, thanks to the countless digital clocks and LED's that seem to be part of everything we buy now, just because they're cheap to add to a product. Most rooms in my house appear like dyslexic runways - I find myself saying, "OK, two steps to the left of the blue LED, then make a right up by the green digital clock, and two paces to the left of the flashing network router lights, another right. Dammit, we're not satisfied with turning our streets into nightless wonders (I could spot a quarter in the middle of the street at midnight, or have a frisbee catch at 3 am) - now we have to bring the light pollution into our homes! Enough, I say! There is a reason that the sun sets - it is part of the grand design. That's when we're supposed to be able to sleep. Is this too difficult a concept? Don't get me wrong - I'm a big fan of the Light Emitting Diode - I love 'em! Just give me a way to turn the little f'ers off!

The powers that be

Just finished watching Michael Moore's Sicko, and that's a pretty accurate description of how it made me feelo. Yes, I'm aware that Mr. Moore tends to "tailor" his footage a bit to suit his agenda, and that realities are sometimes exaggerated a bit to illustrate his points. That aside, the picture he painted of our health care system is nothing, if not demoralizing. The facts are the facts: Our medical insurers and caregivers are rewarded for finding ways to NOT treat us when we are most in need of treatment, and NOT to pay our claims for the treatment we need. Health care is one of the largest for-profit ventures in this country, and the bulk of people at the top are corrupt, as is the case with our present administration, unfortunately. The email that has been circulating around suggesting that we force our government representatives to depend on the same health care as the rest of us - well, I think they're on to something. Until the good citizens of the United States remember that it's supposed to be a government "OF the people, BY the people, and FOR the people," and stop living in fear OF their government and BECAUSE of their government, our quality of life will continue to deteriorate, and that's just pathetic. We have a society of drones sucking down caffeinated beverages in order to stay awake, getting sicker from sleep deprivation, and then being denied adequate medical care. Bully for us - the richest nation in the free world, on its way to becoming a third-world nation.

But the real reason I sat down to write this was because I was considering the slight fender-bender I recently had on my way to work. It involved my car, a patch of icy road in the shape of a sharp 'S' under a railroad bridge, two guardrails, and me saying "Oh, shit." Now, I fortunately managed to avoid injuring anyone or even hitting any of the other cars in the vicinity, so overall I consider my first accident to be a minor one. Still, I am plagued by the realization that filing a claim with my insurance company might just be a huge mistake. I mean, I've been paying these people thousands upon thousands of dollars for years and years, with nary a claim ever filed, so I'd say it's safe to assume they have profited somewhat from our business relationship.

Only my car suffered damage, so all they would need to pay is whatever they convince their "recommended body repair facility" to accept for the job. It's probably less than I paid them this year alone to insure the car. Still, this is their excuse to increase my policy cost. So, in maybe a year, it will have cost me more in increased premiums than the cost of fixing the car's cosmetic damage at my own expense. In fact, when I pushed the underwriting staff for an answer, I was told that "the type of policy" I have has a threshold of $1050, beyond which my premiums get increased. You can't scratch a fender without causing a thousand dollars in repairs these days. So, car insurance is simply another means of extortion in this country.

When did it become ok for us to roll over and let our rights be trampled, all so that a handful of maniacally greed-filled sociopaths can garner yearly salaries that exceed the GNP of many thriving nations? I heard the other day that some big corporate exec just got a 67 million dollar holiday bonus. What the....?! What human being is deserving of that kind of money? Seriously, folks - did this guy cure any diseases or establish world peace? If history truly does repeat itself, I guess at some point the swelling ranks of poor folks will stage some sort of revolt.

I'm in no way suggesting a revolution, though I surely believe that one is inevitable if these conditions continue. All I'm saying is that we should start considering adding some Constitutional Amendments or something to begin reeling in the human refuse who are exploiting this country unabated and ignoring the needs of those they are sworn to serve. The fact that so many of us are literally counting the days until the Presidency changes hands -- well, the word "pathetic" pops into my mind yet again.

Condaleeza was quoted recently as saying that we haven't made any "permanent enemies." This, no doubt in response to people saying that most of the free world is slightly unhappy with our country's behavior of late. She's right, of course. We will eventually give enough money or weaponry to whomever we've pissed off to make them like us again. After the dust settles, it'll be the good ol' US of A that everyone looks up to as a beacon of hope and the best place to buy out profitable companies and real estate. Fills me with national pride - how 'bout you?

The lesser of two weevils

The title of this diatribe is the punchline of a bad joke about bugs. 'Nuff said. I'll be brief with this entry, because I'm sleepy. I just wanted to voice my consternation over the ever-increasing negative campaign ads being foisted upon us by the inspiring individuals running for public office this month. Please, someone, for the love of all that is good and decent - make them stop!

In case you're either incredibly dim or in some sort of semi-vegetative state, I'll explain just why more and more of our politicians are resorting to this disgraceful behavior in an effort to get elected to positions of power and prestige. Here's the secret that they don't want you to know: It's easier to sling mud at each other than to tell you why they'd be your best choice. Why commit to telling the voters how they plan to actually do something worthwhile, when they can just spend millions telling you that the other guy is a creep? Face it, they're pretty much all creeps. We know this. To paraphrase a famous quote, anyone who actively seeks election to public office should probably be prohibited from doing so. I'm in favor of passing a law that bans the use of negative attacks on opponents. If we're forced to watch commercial after commercial from these power-hungry jackasses, let's make them tell us what they've done so far, and what they promise to do once elected. I don't care if the other guy gave his wife a cushy government job. It doesn't matter if he gave no-bid contracts to his cronies - who wouldn't? And I don't care who he or she sleeps with - literally or figuratively speaking. If I went on a job interview and proceeded to tell the prospective employer why the other applicants were a bad choice.... well, you get the picture.

So, let's start a movement to put an end to this charade. Get the issues on the table, keep the trash talk on the basketball court, and let's elect the person with the best record and best promises. And if he or she doesn't keep those promises, let's fire them! Don't forget to vote - it doesn't really make any difference (ask Al Gore), but while we're deluding ourselves about global warming, WMD's, and our chances of ever being respected by the rest of the free world again, it's nice to think our vote matters.

Driving home a quick point

Yep, time for another brief rant about the state of the commute to and from work. Couldn't get out of my street for five minutes this morning, because two police cars decided to pull over a motorist and take up one of two lanes during the rush hour commute, as is their apparent penchant. In the one remaining open lane, the line of traffic simply ignored my ever-so-polite little turn-signal and pleading facial expressions. As I edged out in an attempt to gain access to the road, no one would stop or even slow down, even though less than 300 feet away loomed a rather obvious red light, and cars were already backing up. What has become of our society when people will no longer even consider relinquishing one car length in a gesture of humanity and simple civility? So, I did what any red-blooded American would do. I hit the gas, aimed straight for the taillights of one of the cars that had refused to let me in, and dared the next son of a bitch to hit me. No doubt, that driver cursed my very existence, and wished ill-will upon me. Good. That means, for at least a few seconds, they received karmic payback, if you will, for being an inconsiderate prick. Unfortunately, it probably didn't occur to them that I was not the asshole in the equation. Such is life.

Which brings me to a revelation which is also a melancholy sort of realization. The automatic transmission has helped ruin driving for those of us who are responsible, courteous motorists. Think about it - huge numbers of people who are rather incompetent behind the wheel to begin with would possibly avoid driving at all if they had to contend with a clutch and shifter. Car-pooling and public transportation use would likely increase. Yakking on hand-held cellular phones would definitely decrease. People would be forced to pay more attention to the road, and use both hands for their intended automotive purpose. Yep, let's go back to that ol' three-on-the-tree (crap, I am actually old enough to know what that is).

This blog kills 99.9% of all other useless blogs

We hear it every day. A mouthwash that kills 99.9% of the germs that cause bad breath. A toilet cleaner that kills 99.9% of the crud in your disgustingly grungy toilet bowl. (Hey, I'm no Mr. Clean, but if my toilet ever looked like the ones in those commercials, I'd throw it out and get a new one, and consider hiring someone to clean my toilet, due to my apparent incapacity to do so myself.) How about those hand sanitizers that kill 99.9% of the germs we sissies can't seem to survive being exposed to anymore (unfortunately, they don't tell you that we're so busy killing off the bad germs, we're also annihilating the good ones that help us fight a lot of illness). So, the burning question is this: Why can't we make a product that's 100% effective? Dammit, we get soooooooo close, time after time! One measly tenth of a percent! C'mon, guys, can't you try just a little harder?

It's even weirder than that one idiot dentist out of every ten who doesn't agree that some chewing gum helps prevent gingivitis. Or the one out of every ten Americans who still believe that George W. Bush isn't a megalomaniac with delusions of grandeur who is oblivious to the blight his administration has cast upon most of the world. But I digress.

We all know that the "99.9%" crap comes from a bunch of lawyers who advise their clients not to say "100%" in order to avoid unnecessary lawsuits. Can any of these companies prove their 99.9% claims? Has anyone asked them to do so? Maybe we should. I'd rather hear them say, "Our product kills a boatload of bad stuff in your mouth, so just use it, or you'll have lots of bad stuff in your mouth that you don't want in there." Then, of course, there'd probably be some lawyer out there who said, "Well, just how much bad stuff exactly does it kill? Inquiring minds want to know."

Studies have shown that all of this advertising nonsense is killing 99.9% of the brain cells we could be using to choose the best product for our needs, rather than the one that has the sexiest spokesmodel or slickest ad campaign. That said, I have to admit it - I love that gecko. Well, I'm 99.9% asleep now, so I'm going to bed.

Before I go, I just have a serious recommendation. Please check out www.freehugscampaign.org - here's a guy on a mission that is 100% worthwhile.