Seems like every day, someone manages to score a $100,000 grant to study the freakin' obvious and enlighten the masses with such shocking findings as (and these are actual examples):
"Exercise found to reduce anxiety and depression," or "Diet of high-fat foods contributes to obesity." Duh. So, how do I get me one of these grants? I've got a plethora of topics I'd like to investigate. For instance, I'd like to investigate the correlation between a person's propensity to dump his or her filthy ashtray contents out of their car window on a public street, and the likelihood that they are a self-absorbed, inconsiderate asshole in general. Or, how about a study to determine whether making a left-hand turn at an intersection with one hand on your cell phone and the other gently caressing an Egg McMuffin as you turn the wheel with your elbow has any impact on the chances of your spilling the half-caf mocha latte nestled in your lap, as you swerve to avoid the accident you just caused by cutting off the driver making a right from the other side of the intersection while shaving and watching a movie trailer on his Blackberry? Or what about this one: The connection between navigating the demilitarized zone that has become our daily commute to the office and the urge to trade in one's Subaru for a Sherman tank?
How many times have you uttered, "Jesus H. Crikey, I'm just tryin' to get to work, here, people!" as you've dodged imbecile after jackass, brake-slammed and skidded your way through the maze of semi-comatose, over-caffeinated cogs, begrudgingly motoring toward the big wheel they play some indescribably small part in turning each day? Really? So, you mean it's just me shouting that over and over? Oh, never mind, then.
Lest we forget, the word "automobile" comes from the Latin "auto" - meaning "by itself", and "mobile" - meaning "moving." This illustrates that we have no need to pay attention while operating these multi-ton ballistic missiles, as they can pretty much drive themselves. And what a waste of energy it would be to communicate the fact that a collection of cigarette butts, chewing gum, and anything else that you don't want and is small enough to fit into your ashtray is, in fact - according to a recent study - TRASH!! -- and therefore, inappropriate for deposit on local thoroughfares. Well, I'm off to go pee in my neighbor's swimming pool. Drive defensively.
